In My Skin, I Am Capable
Welcome, the one and only Kelly Johnson to the blog this week! She’s my little sister that’s taller, and often times braver than me. Kelly is a ballet dancer and so much more! She’s the yin to my yang, the girl organizing Tupperware at my parent’s house while I clean the fridge out – by eating all the leftovers. This week she’s talking about life behind the scenes for a dancer. Read on to hear her story of self-discovery.
Doubting one’s self is surely a trait known to all, but for me, second-guessing is like second nature.
Should I get this or that? Is this correct, or is there a better way? It’s as if there is an absolute right or wrong scenario that must play out, and if it’s the latter then all the earth will end as we know it. Dramatic, I know, but when ruling between right and wrong doubt is my anchor.
Even when handed an opportunity that should have given me pride and assurance, I was instead gifted a hearty helping of humility and guilt. Oddly enough it took someone else’s doubt for me to learn that in my skin, I am capable.
In college, I studied a subject that most people consider to be a fake degree. Yes, I have a BFA in Ballet Performance. I loved it. Getting to wake up every day to train my body to be better, to think outside the box, and to put on expensive shoes that conjure beauty and simultaneously cause pain. I was living the dream. But, even in dreams, we face conflict, and mine was filled with wisps of doubt and comparison.
I often measured my success by the roles I was given; longing to be seen and admired. Maybe it sounds vain, but my craft was my body. Building strength and exuding grace was the essence in which I worked.
An artist’s purpose is to share their craft with an audience, and mine often felt unfulfilled as I was frequently placed at the back. My long lines and limbs might overshadow that of the girls placed in front of me. So, I spent my time correcting others’ mistakes, matching shapes, and angles. Even performing incorrect choreography-all to misguide the audience in believing “this” is exactly what was supposed to happen.
Constantly placed at the back I have told myself that I don’t matter and that my capabilities are limited by, and determined by, what those in line before me do. I’ll admit this medium is never just centered on an individual, but about creating a bigger picture. However, knowing your place is always in the back, well it starts to feel personal.
Senior year was like a bucket list and it seemingly provided a lot of opportunities I didn’t get to do, but in return gave me others. I remember watching as girl-after-girl went to try on a particular costume for our next performance. It was a dress I had seen before, a piece performed by a group of dancers years before me. The dress was beautiful, the choreography was beautiful, and there was no hiding in the back for this dance. I wanted in.
Each fitting left me with hope, as it was never the right fit for the girls before me. But, even with hope present, doubt lingered. I wondered, why was I last, yet again? I saw only the good qualities I could add to this role, but doubt made me question this opportunity.
Nevertheless, it was my turn. So, I stepped in as one does in any hopeful situation, one foot, and then the other. The zipper fastened and the high collar hugged my neck. It fit and something about it felt incredibly right.
However, I was then greeted not with congratulation but with critique. Doubt now had a name and a face and spoke directly to me. Telling me that another girl would have been better for this part, but due to other circumstances, they had to settle for me. I nodded my head in understanding, but tried to calculate why it was so shameful that I was the one to present this role? I still don’t know.
Looking back, I never actually doubted my ability. The doubt only came because of what others thought. Like plucking petals from a flower, “they love me,” “they love me not.”
This opportunity was not one of deciding yes or no, but rather in what way would I handle it? My task was present, I simply had to accept.
I stepped on that stage knowing that though I am not perfect, nor was I the ideal candidate for the job, I had a little bit of talent and a lot of hard work behind me. It was an incredibly humbling experience to learn how capable I can be when I allow myself to see my worth even before others do.
It was empowering to sidestep the doubtful onlookers and to take my place on that stage, next to a few other girls who were probably facing their own doubting demons. For a hot, stuffy stage it was a breath of fresh air to be seen and to display my craft for a few fleeting moments.
I think this moment, this dance, this dress would not have the same power behind it if I hadn’t first been doubted.
It’s like baking, you have to add the salt to make it sweet. In life, you add the doubters to make it clear – I am capable. You are capable.
You can find more from Kelly over on Instagram
Photo Cred: Jae Feinberg
