In My Skin, I Am Valuable

I shimmy into my little black dress. It hugs my slender curves. I’m well aware of every curve, pooch, and roll. Somehow it feels conflicting but rewarding to see my flawed silhouette in this dress. I am getting ready for a photoshoot. I asked a friend to take some headshots for my writing work. 

 

I quickly get ready, putting a thin layer of makeup on as I stare at myself in the mirror. Internal notifications of fear and doubt ding left and right. As I get ready, I battle my doubts:

 

“Brooke, what are you doing? You don’t really have a writing career!”

“What on earth will you do with these headshots?

“P.S. I can see the pooch of your stomach, Why are you wearing this dress?” 

“You don’t really have anything of value to offer. Just stay home.”

“You’re pretty but that’s all people will see. They don’t even read the words you have to say.”

 

Pause, please don’t jump in my messages or comment to tell me, “Lies! Brooke, these are all lies!” I know. I know the self-sabotaging talk all too well. I can spot it. I saw it at this very moment in the mirror. 

 

Weeks prior to this moment, I heard a different notification. A ding from my phone. Another guy sliding into my DMs. For those of us old school people, that’s short for Direct Messages – I knew some of you wanted to ask. You’re welcome. 

 

Another guy. Another message I didn’t ask for. Another short conversation before he goes in for his ask. They always do. They want something more than I want to give. Something physical. Something sexual.

 

At this point, I know what I want in life:

I want commitment

I want a relationship

I want intimacy within boundaries

I want safety and security

 

I’m always hopeful the next guy will want the same thing. 

 

This notification. This ding. This DM. No such luck. Another offer for being “treated right.” Another offer for sex…without his girlfriend knowing of course. Another guy I can’t trust. Another guy blind to my value and worth. Another moment for lies to creep in and shatter me. The lies tell me I’m not really worth anything but sex. 

 

At this point, I know my worth in life:

I am beautiful

I am smart

I am strong

I am more than enough

 

It’s written on my bathroom mirror. It stands as a constant reminder to fight against triggered dinging doubts. The doubts that often come when another guy slides into my DMs and doesn’t understand my value and worth. 

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks, there I am getting ready for this self-declared impromptu photoshoot. I am staring at that phrase square in the mirror: 

 

I am enough! 

 

I smile to myself because I know it is true. I am enough because Jesus beautifully intricately designed my being. Belief fills my bones. I walk out the door and drive downtown with my friend. We wander around Old Town. Her camera triggers. Click. Click. Click.

 

Each click of the camera triggers something new in me: 

Light 

Laughter

Life

 

It wells up from my soul and out for the camera to catch. This photoshoot captures me actively fighting my fears. Every time my friend directs me to toss my hair or stand like this, I laugh a little louder. I laugh at the lies I once believed. My laughter rings full of truth. 

 

A family walks across the street and a girl hollers over, “Work it, gurl!” She smiles supportively as I toss my curly wavy hair to smile and laugh with her. Click. Click. Click

 

A carload of people drives by and honks their horn. I laugh with them and tip my hat, my eyes full of light. Click. Click. Click.

 

All of the onlookers, their outward expressions of cheers from the sidelines match the belief in my bones. I don’t need their cheers. I’ll receive their cheers but I don’t need them. I will celebrate this victory of capturing my genuine value with them. 

 

Weeks after the photoshoot, a new app dings on my phone: a dating app. Something I never thought I would join. I sit there juggling the multitude of conversations with guys I’ve swiped right on. I am quick to weed them out and whittle them down. 

 

At this point, I know my value:

Bullshit has broken me down.

Truth has built me back up.

Confidence keeps me open.

My value in Christ keeps me hoping.

 

Hope is never perfect. It’s never certain. I’ll say it now, “My apologies to the man I meet, the man who redeems men for me.” I know skepticism lingers. It mixes with my belief in who I am these days. 

 

But the beauty of hope still stands. Hope doesn’t let the skepticism stay. The beauty of hope is it hangs on until God’s goodness delivers. I am here for that! Redeem away, Lord! I am worth it. 

 

In my skin, I am valuable beyond belief. 

 

Dear friend, you are valuable beyond belief. Write that truth on your mirror. Read it over and over and over again. His goodness delivers. His goodness redeems. His goodness is meant for you and me.