What Are We Doing?
LIFE UNFILTERED
Have you asked yourself this question lately? “What are we doing?” or maybe it’s more like, “What is happening?”
I have asked this question out loud multiple times a day. I ask it via Zoom calls, Microsoft Team Meetings, Facetime, and even when talking to myself out loud in my very quiet house.
They say it’s a good thing to talk to your plants, but I don’t think my single surviving house plant thrives off of my questions rooted in confusion, disbelief, and fear. So far Leafella is doing quite well. Yes, I’ve resorted to naming my house plant per my friend’s kids’ recommendation. Yes, this also makes me ask out loud to myself, “What am I doing?”
In week one of this blog series, let’s talk about how we’re living a little more unfiltered these days:
Showing up to Zoom meetings having not brushed our teeth yet. Anyone? Just me? Ok.
Showing up to Microsoft Team Meetings and also realizing you should mute your camera. Your facial expressions are more unfiltered than you realize.
The kids stuck at home might be showing up to Zoom call dance classes. Tapping away, loudly, in the kitchen with fighting brothers in the background.
The pre-k teacher is showing up to a Google Hangout with a bunch of 4 or 5-year-olds stuck at home. Their parents’ trying to monitor what is about to happen in this unfiltered session. Truth: there’s no telling what a 4 or 5-year-old will do or say on camera!
We find ourselves in these new scenes more unfiltered than before. Do you notice you continue looking for filters?
We do inner praise hands when we realize the Zoom call has muted mic and camera options. We can still show up at the 10 a.m meeting in our pajamas. No one will know.
We excitedly ask how our coworker blurred their background on the Microsoft Team Meeting. Only their face is in focus. We want to do the same so no one sees our dirty house or kids running around in the background.
In this digital age, we can still filter a lot of things. I’m not here to reign down condemnation on any of those digital filters. They have pros and cons.
There are times I wish people felt more comfortable showing up to meetings simply as themselves.
Then again, I understand. You brush your teeth – well this is just a healthy thing to do. You put on makeup and real clothes because this filter makes you feel more productive.
Maybe the blurred background on your Team Meeting allows you to focus on the content of the conversation. You’re not worried about what people see behind you.
However, the one thing I’m having a hard time filtering: my words and thoughts.
How about having conversations with a family member or friend. Suddenly you unleash your deepest criticism without even realizing it. You find yourself wanting to rewind and approach the scene with a better version of yourself.
Have you almost dropped the F*** bomb on your dad during a conversation?…Just asking for a friend?
To some, this might be a normal occurrence, but for this “friend” it’s never happened in 34 years of life on this earth! This includes the highly volatile preteen and teenage years.
“Dad! This is exactly why they’re telling people to stay the…“
My mind speeds ahead, filling in the silence with the F*** word. My body brings my conversation to a screeching halt. Adrenaline coursing. Emergency brake on. Foot pressing hard on the brakes. Rubber burning in my brain.
Instead, my criticism comes out as, “Dad! This is exactly why they’re telling people to stay the… FREAK home! Stay home!”
After hanging up the phone I immediately regret handling the situation the way I did. Over the past week, this is the third time I’ve unleashed my anger on him about the simplest of things like going to the store or reading temperatures on a thermometer to the exact degree.
After episode one, a friend encouraged me, “Brooke, you can’t just go off on him like that. He’s doing the best he can right now to take care of your mom. Have some grace for him.”
“I know. I know,” I sigh dejectedly into the phone.
“I mean, tell him to stay home but you don’t have to yell at him.” He laughs as he says it because he knows I NEVER yell.
I probably should’ve learned from the first time this happened. Nope. I didn’t learn how to handle my unfiltered feelings and spewing shouts.
I probably should’ve learned from the second time this happened. Nope. I didn’t. Honestly, I somehow justified my yelling and coursing anger in my veins. He should know better!
Third time is a charm. This time. The F*** bomb scenario. I texted an apology several hours later. I know he is trying to do what’s best for him and my mom. I know no one really knows 100% what’s best. I know my anger and yelling is rooted in fear.
Fear.
This is the thing that leaves me unhinged and unfiltered.
Showing up unfiltered is cute when there’s not a deep-rooted ugly truth glaring back in the screen or mirror. Showing up to a digital meeting on the platform of choice with my hair unkempt in a messy bun. “Awe cute. She’s so unfiltered.”
Showing up to a conversation and letting my fear drive my response. Begin the chant and cheer now…“U-G-L-Y! You ain’t got no alibi! You Ugly! Yeah! Yeah! You Ugly!”
Get FEAR the F*** out of there. Name it. Tame it. Claim it.
On one hand, the fear leaves my responses unfiltered. On the other hand, fear is the filter. It’s the thing I’m using to process life. It does not have to remain my filter.
I may not agree with everyone’s decisions in this uncertain time. I may not understand what we are doing right now in life. I may not understand what I’m doing right now as a teacher who is not really teaching up to my expectations because well…Corona has shut my normal teaching patterns down. I may not understand what we’re doing in our city or country.
I do understand I cannot let fear drive me in this season, however long this season may last. Quite frankly. I cannot let fear drive my life. That’s an unfiltered fact.
What filters should be gone?
Fear does not need to filter every thought or response.
P.S. surely the filter with floating butterflies and sparkles can be gone. We’re cute without that. We’re also not five-years-old.
What filters do you want to keep in this season?
Maybe it is the blurred background of your Microsoft Team Meeting. Ok.
Maybe it’s the filter of grace, empathy, compassion, kindness, or hope.
Let’s find the root of the ugly filters and focus on removing those.
Let’s ask God for more of the filters he helps us sustain when we rest in him: the fruit of the spirit.
“But the fruit produced by the Holy Spirit within you is divine love in all its varied expressions: joy that overflows, peace that subdues, patience that endures, kindness in action, a life full of virtue, faith that prevails, gentleness of heart, and strength of spirit. Never set the law above these qualities, for they are meant to be limitless.”
Galatians 5:23-23
The Passion Translation
