March is the New January

I two-stepped my way into 2019. Literally. A guy two-stepped me around at a concert where no one else was actually two-stepping. I’m pretty sure I made the top ten greatest moments of this guy’s 2018 and 2019. Did I know how to two-step? Not at all. Did I know this guy? Not at all. Would I keep in contact with this guy? Not at all. Did it make me smile as he spun, twirled, and shuffled me around the dance floor?  100% yes! At that moment I didn’t mind standing out. Eyes following us around the dance floor, I felt full of life and energy. I was fully present in that moment.

Is that the case for most of the scenarios where I feel out of place or different from others around me? Not at all.

I have an unconscious habit to compare myself to others. I look around and notice I’m not doing things like others around me. I believe the lies: I’m not good enough. I’m doing life wrong. I’m the odd one that doesn’t belong. Everyone else is judging me. Someone will discover I don’t really know what I’m doing. They’ll recognize I don’t actually have anything of substance to offer. Lies. All lies.

After I two-stepped happily into 2019 I found myself swinging from a healthy happy space to one of insecurity, depression, and fear. The deluge of Instagram posts and face-to-face conversations of new year’s goals inundated my mind. I heard people declaring their “word of the year” with such certainty. They claimed new visions and dreams for their future. They made lists of things to accomplish before their next birthday. They talked about personal reflections and life lessons learned from the previous year. I couldn’t keep up.

My birthday is on January 30th. I had no list of things to accomplish before I turned 33. I had no party planned for this upcoming birthday. I had no guest list, no invitations, no venue, no ideas. Not at all.

Simultaneously, a good friend texted me, “Hey I just invited you to my birthday party!”

Ummm, first of all, when is her birthday? Did I miss it? Am I that oblivious? I text back, “I’m gonna need you to just tell me the details because I don’t check my mail consistently and I definitely don’t check Facebook consistently.” She directed me to her Facebook invite.

Is her birthday soon? Not at all! Is her birthday low key? Not at all! It’s in two months and it’s a big get together downtown. Venue booked. Guest list full of people from all her circles. Dress code and all.

I immediately did the thing where I compared myself. I compared myself in a judgmental way. I didn’t judge her. Instead, I judged me. My inner dialogue turned into ridicule:

Get it together, Brooke!

Her birthday is months away and yours is two weeks away!

You can’t even commit to something this weekend!

You can’t even plan something for four people much less 40 people!

Your birthday will be spent at home alone, doing nothing.

She will be celebrated. She will celebrate with her people. You will not!

Suddenly one text conversation opened up the floodgates to a scrolling list of all the things I’m not. All the things I can’t get right. All the things other people seem to do with ease.

All it took was ten days into January and I was a sunken mess. Forget about goal setting and vision boards. Forget about dreams and achievements. Forget about doing even greater things in the next 12 months. Forget about picking the one single word to shape my next trip around the sun. Can I pick the perfect word? Not at all! I can’t even pick what I’m eating for dinner most nights.

As my birthday drew near a funny thing happened. People around me started to resurface in my life. Without even realizing it was my birthday they either A) agreed to join me on fun excursions or B) invited me to join them on fun excursions. Suddenly I didn’t have just one birthday celebration but I wound up having multiple birthday celebrations. Once we reconnected they remembered it was my birthday and declared our adventure in honor of my 33rd year of life! I hardly planned a thing. It just happened.

January came and went. I went on my fun birthday adventures and ate lots of desserts – including a version of my childhood traditional strawberry cake with pink frosting. I laughed with new, current, and longtime friends. Even if I did end up home alone on my birthday due to a bout of bronchitis, I felt full, loved, and celebrated.

These birthday celebrations created the greatest gift, a mirror reflecting me just the way I am. It reminded me of how seen and loved I am.

I am a doer – spastic and sporadic – but a doer.

I say yes to new things.

I like adventures and road trips.

I show up to whatever is in front of me.

I like connecting people – new, current, and long time people.

I need laughter & real talk.

I need nothing fancy. Just you. Just me. Just us.

I’m the girl who wears hair ribbons in a high half-pony to throw axes in a sea of plaid. I’m the girl who can’t plan a birthday party months in advance but will plan a transatlantic trip weeks in advance. I’m the girl who asks my people to jump in a car and drive two hours through the hills of nowhere just to eat really good food. I’m the girl who will order ice cream that tastes like fruity pebbles to feel like a kid again. I’m the girl.

The girl who takes longer to do almost anything. The girl who shows up late 90% of the time. The girl who is always a few breaths behind in yoga class. The girl who is often spotted in running shorts and rain boots grocery shopping late at night. The girl who never really does her hair. The girl who takes months to change light bulbs at home. I’m the girl.

I’m the girl who is declaring March to be the new January!

Just now, I’m letting myself dream of things for this new year. Just now, I’m praying through goals and voicing them out loud, slowly but surely, to trusted people. Just now, I’m seeing a pattern unfold to declare a possible word of the year.

I’m ok with adding to my vision board over time. It’s a work in progress. I’m ok with keeping the same motto I’ve been living by for the past year: Just show up.  It seems to be healthy for me.

Maybe, just maybe, this girl functions best with a little chaos, a slightly unplanned lilt to my step, and permission to let life slowly unfold a few breaths after everyone around me. If this is my way – if this allows me to be fully present for a two-step around the dance floor with a stranger – then I say yes to this way. I say yes to March as the new January.

Picture via Pixabay.com